How To Support Your Friend Who Just Had A Baby

Before I had a baby, one of my Mom friends told me something I didn't fully understand at the time. 

“We love the person you are now, but we will mourn her when you become Mom.”

I thought that sounded a little dramatic, but I get it now. Having a baby is wonderful, life-changing, and all those other things people tell you it will be. But there's also a strange period when Moms put their entire life on hold (or possibly say goodbye to it forever, jury's still out) and adopt a new identity — all while fighting for their life through the newborn trenches. Somewhere underneath this brand-new identity of Mom is the person they were before, disconnected from the self and trying to figure out where exactly she fits now.

Which is why good friends can make such a difference.

If you’re a fellow Mom, you get it; you’ve been there. And if you're the child-free friend, you don't need to know exactly what she's going through to be able to show up for her.

Read The Room

One of the best things a new Mom can have is a friend who knows how to read her. Sometimes she needs you to show up with food. Sometimes she desperately needs someone to hold the baby so she can shower. And, surprisingly, sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is sit on her couch, talk to her like she's still a normal adult with adult friends, and let her hold the baby.

There's a reason I make that distinction. I had a friend visit when my son was about two months old, and after watching me hold my son basically all day, she took him out of my arms and told me to go take a shower. This was an objectively kind and helpful thing to do, and something I see suggested a lot as a way to help new Moms.

I said “thank you,” got into the shower, and immediately burst into tears.

I was so anxious about not holding him that it was probably the least relaxing shower I'd had since he'd been born. All I wanted was to get out, take my baby back and, frankly, have everyone leave so I could sit there holding him again.

Two years later, I can look back and recognize how intensely I was feeling everything at the time. I didn’t have the words to express what I needed. And that's the thing about supporting a new Mom: what she needs may not always make sense to you. It may not even make sense to her six months from now. Meet her where she is anyway.

Bring Something, But Don't Create Work

Food is a cliché for a reason. But here's the key: don't turn your helpful gesture into another thing she has to manage.

Don't text, “What do you guys want for dinner?” Now she has to decide.

Don't bring a complicated meal that requires assembling six different things and figuring out cooking instructions. Now she has a project.

And, please, don't drop something off and expect to be invited inside to meet the baby. 

Sometimes the greatest gift is sending a text that says, “I'm leaving dinner on your porch at 5 pm. Don't come to the door. Love you.” Or sending Mom a DoorDash gift card — this was my favorite way people showed up for me!

Another way you can help a new Mom before baby comes is to set up a meal train with her. That way, it’s one less thing for her to worry about, she can say no if it’s not something she’s interested in, and everyone involved can feel at peace. 

Check On Her At Night

This is one I don't think I understood until I had a newborn: there is something about nighttime that makes everything feel harder. During the day, support systems are awake and the rest of the world feels light. Then evening comes. Suddenly, you're staring down lonely dark hours of feedings and wake-ups without knowing how much sleep you're going to get. It can leave Mom feeling completely alone. 

Check on your new-Mom friend around dinner or early evening. It doesn't need to be anything profound. In fact, one of the best texts you can send is:

“Just thinking about you, no pressure to reply. I love you.”

Those simple messages meant the world to me. They reminded me that outside of our little newborn bubble, someone was thinking about me. And because there was no expectation that I answer, it didn't become another task on my mental to-do list.

Remember That She Is Still Your Friend

Everyone wants to know about the baby. How is he sleeping? Is she eating well? How much does he weigh? Is she smiling yet? Ask about the baby, of course. But ask about her, too.

Tell her something funny that happened to you. Send her the ridiculous gossip you would have sent her three months ago. Ask if she watched the show you always talk about. Talk about something — anything — that has absolutely nothing to do with breastfeeding, bottles, diapers, sleep schedules, or babies.

Sometimes having someone treat you like the exact same person they've always known is incredibly grounding. But be aware that they might not remember anything you talked about. Do your best not to ask for any favor from any new parent. 

Keep Showing Up After Everyone Else Stops

The first few weeks after a baby is born tend to come with a flood of attention: flowers, meals, texts asking for pictures and updates, etc. Then life moves on for everyone, but Mom is still Mom. 

Don't stop checking in after the first couple of weeks. Text her at six weeks to see how she’s feeling. Ask her to lunch at three months, knowing there's a good chance she'll cancel. Invite her to things even if she has said no the last five times. 

You Don't Have To Understand It To Be There

If you've never had a baby, you probably won't completely understand what your friend is going through. That's okay. You don’t need to know everything; you just need to pay attention.

Bring the food. Send the text. Sit on the couch. Hold the baby if she wants you to. Hand the baby right back if she doesn't. Listen without trying to fix everything. Remind her that she's doing a good job.

And most importantly, remind her — in a hundred tiny, ordinary ways — that becoming someone's Mom didn't make her stop being her. Because someday she'll start finding that person again. And when she does, she'll remember the friends who stayed close enough to find her, too.

Sincerely, 

Your Dallas Mom Friend